For Women Only: The Kill-Joy Kid

September 14, 2008 by thinkhappy

Copyright 2008 Muffy Gibson

THE CRAZY-MAKING HUSBAND

Rule #4 of The Crazy-Making Husband is PAY NO HEED WHEN YOUR WIFE COMPLAINS THAT YOUR RELATIONSHIP HAS STAGNATED.

At the surface, it appears that The Crazy-Making Husband is just plain oblivious to the lack of stimulating, satisfying interaction he offers his wife. Prod him, shake him, screech at him -- nothing rouses him from his brain-dead state. Sadly, as years pass, more and more, he gives you less and less of himself. In time, it's as if you are the only 'living' person in your marriage.

His brain-dead behavior, lack of genuine emotional expression, and endless disinterest in the health of your marital relationship is NOT 'a man-thing', as we women often tend to tell ourselves, for consolation.

It's all because, at heart, he's The Kill-Joy Kid. A big, overgrown, envious kid who has this major objective: to take from you any joy you experience.

One typical tactic: he shuts down to the positive energy you send his way.

Shutting down is his way of 1. protecting himself from experiencing any positive feeling for you -- which would disrupt his resentment-revenge complex* and 2. punishing you for expecting from him what he does not want to give.

How hurt we wives are, how embarrassed! How worthless we feel! To think that the man who loved us so much, he MARRIED us, now, after living with us, finds us utterly unworthy of his attention and interest. It's the ultimate degradation.

What a painful surprise it is to discover that outside the marriage / family universe, The Crazy-Making Husband is quite alive. In fact, at work, or with friends, or neighbors, he can be downright personable. He may not be the epitome of empathy, but nonetheless, with other people, he has a far different energy and engagement level.

Due to his emotional separation from you and the family, expecting The Crazy-Making Husband to invest in mutually pleasurable activities with you and/or your children is likely to produce aching frustration and bitter disappointment. And even if he complies, his passive-aggression will spoil your fun.

Next time you're tempted to reach out in an expression of joy to your husband, a.k.a. The Kill-Joy Kid, instead, sit down privately and work on figuring out just what -- specifically -- bothers him in your expectations of him. Is it financial? House chores? Social engagements? The requirements of parenting?

Then, try approaching him with the smallest of his gripes. Ask him to define just what it is that he resents, and why.

If his marriage-brain is still operative, with patience you may be able to help him unsnarl enough of his resentment-revenge complex to permit you two to engage in meaningful, healing dialogue.

If not, take your assessment of the roots of his resentment and hand it to him. Ask him to rate its reality. And to add or delete whatever he thinks appropriate.

If he complies, take another look. Do a reality check. Could be he's too far gone as a Crazy-Maker -- and that only God can reach him now.

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* resentment-revenge complex:  the conglomeration of fuming feelings, fantasies and plans of The Crazy-Making Husband, reacting to his wife's requirement that he be a reasonable adult partner in all aspects of the marriage / family universe. Please see my book, THE CRAZY-MAKING HUSBAND, for an inside look at his ornery thinking, feeling, and behavior.

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