Bringing up bad memories

February 2, 2009 by govtmule

Last night my husband showed me a letter from his mother. He got this letter about a year and a half ago while deep into a drug addiction. Since he would not take calls from his parents during that time, his mom wrote to him.

He never opened that letter. It sat in his desk drawer for a long time. So many times I wanted to open it, but did not. Yes, I snooped through his things. I don't anymore, but I had to then. Drugs make people lie and hide things - and I refused to live blind. Anyway, I had not even thought of that letter for a long time, until last night.

Apparently, while cleaning out his desk, my husband found it and read it. He showed it to me b/c he wanted to share it. His mother said some really loving things to him that she had never before expressed. It was a beautiful letter from a mother to a son.

I wanted to feel happy for him because he was so touched by it, but all it did for me was bring up the hell and pain I went through. I felt it all rush over me again, and all I could do was cry. Which of course, he did not really understand. During his time of addiction, I really thought I would lose him - to death. He had lost 40lbs, was not working, and rippped through a huge retirement savings. It was by far the most horrible experience I have ever been through.

I've felt both sad and guilty all day. I want to be able to be happy for him and talk with him about it, but I can't. I guess this means I still have much resentment about what happened. I don't really know how or if I ever can get truly past it.

I love him more than anything. I stuck through a lot because I knew he would have done the same for me and I knew he was worth saving. Besides our relationship, he is a good and kind man and a great dad.

Anyway, that's just me trying to work some of this out in my own mind.

Thanks for listening!

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